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Coldstreamers Down Under!
The life of a Coldstreamer eh! The Battalion
Football Team have just returned from a fantastic visit
to Australia where they played a little football and saw
the scenes. The team did excellent and won nearly
all of their games. Below is an 'EXCLUSIVE'
article from the Football Manager, Major (The
Quartermaster) Jasinksi.
EXERCISE AMBITIOUS ATTITUDE AUSTRALIA
(EXAAA)
1ST BN COLDSTREAM GUARDS FOOTBALL TOUR AUSTRALIA 2008
By
Maj AP Jasinski
Quartermaster 1st Bn Coldstream Guards.
Post Telic 6 and having been deprived of any form of
domestic football I had the urge to organise a football
tour of sorts. Destination, not sure but one thing I was
certain of was that the obvious pilgrimage to the North
East did not ‘float my boat’ or ‘flick my switch’. Not
that I have anything but admiration for ‘Geordie
Lifestyle’ I just didn’t fancy being called ‘Marra’,
being rained on and drinking copious amounts of
Newcastle Brown for any length of time. I’d watched
enough Sky documentary evidence to convince me that
AUSTRALIA was the place to go and ironically it also has
a place called NEWCASTLE.
 The
plan conceived in Nov 05 required the Comd Offrs
approval and once I’d ignored the obvious doubting
seniors of the battalion, “why are you being so over
ambitious” was a typical remark, I could put the wheels
in motion. Very little football had been played
for Operational reasons and in the early months of 06 we
were occupied with the Arms Plot move to Windsor.
We planned to tour at the end of 06 but I could do
nothing more until our bid to the Regimental Trustees
for grateful funds had been batted across the ever
ageing table tops of RHQ. This would give me a defined
benchmark from which to work and all other planning
could commence from there on in. On or about the 6 July
06 following a brief discussion with Capt Billy
Mathews (Asst Regt Adjt) I learned that we had been
awarded (after a little persuasion) a very welcome and
generous amount to start us off. This was the very news
that I needed to firm up future plans with our quest to
launch ourselves at the Aussies in order to ‘spank’ them
in their own back yard.
Having now approached that ever illusive ‘Plastic
Aussie’ Kit Philp, (no longer there) with our
infant plan he very kindly agreed to support us with
what ever was within his gift; wine, women, cash,
transport, accommodation, some Aussie Combats, and
anything else he owed the Coldstream Guards. Armed with
this treasure chest and a bag full of cash from RHQ I
was still a long way short of our estimated cost that I
needed to take a 20 man squad down under. Still we were
a pace forward and I was feeling pretty good.
The next step was to write to a number of organisations
who I felt were in a position to offer some much needed
funds in order to make the financial burden on the
soldiers that much easier albeit each man would pay
their contribution. I was at this stage being quite
successful in touching people for ‘loot’ and then from
nowhere someone who thought he was still at the Dennis
Berkamp level of competitive soccer ‘slipped’ and
inflicted upon himself like only a elderly man would the
mother of all broken legs. (Not recommended). Whilst
many people found amusement in this poor mans luck the
timing could not have been worse. In addition the Bn was
stood up for OP HERRICK 7
and with an ever increasing and full F.O.E including an
OPTAG Package it wasn't looking good for the tour. With
the Comd Offr and other interested parties we looked
extensively into the ‘crystal sphere’ and it was with
some reluctance that the tour had to be postponed. And
so it was, the funds were returned, the battalion got
all desert looking and the next thing we knew we were
rocking with 52 Bde on the Sunshine Coach not Coast to a
Battle Space somewhere up the ‘Ying Yang’. Delete
Australia insert Afghanistan.
Leap forward six months (May 08) and having recovered
from theatre and with POTLE complete I started again
(because I had lots of spare time!!) to look for that
elusive window of opportunity. The Bn 2i/c albeit he’s
Welsh massaged the F.O.E on a number of occasions and
the last week of Sept first week of Oct 08 was
identified. With the Commanding Officers approval I once
again badgered the appropriate people for the funds I
required to support the tour. Both the Regt and Asst
Regt Adjutants thought they would never hear the words
“football tour” again – “wrong”, and I could see they
were more than happy to empty their own pockets in
support of our venture. There were a number of hurdles,
barriers and obstructions as well as some doubters to
deal with. Political clearance, authority, invitations,
flights, visa’s, transport, insurance and all the usual
bumf associated with oversees touring was eating more
time but undeterred I pressed on, encouraging as much
support as I could along the way.
Having secured all the funding required through numerous
organisations - of whom I will thank later and having
solved all the administrative detail we were good to go.
A small exercise at WARCOP stood in our way and on
completion and for the first time I was able to get the
squad together.
19 Sept 08
The squad consisted of the Quartermaster Maj Jasinski
(Manager), WOII ‘Dougie’ Douglas (Trainer), WOII Hewert
(RCWO/OSK), LSgt Hunter, LSgt Kama (Chicken, LCpl Minns,
LCpl Read, LCpl Quist – Narteh (Adapter), LCpl Gaylor,
LCpl Simmons, Gdsm Dunn, Gdsm Milner (GK), Gdsm Newton,
Gdsm Pomfrey (Humfrey/North Mackem), Gdsm Pontone, Cfn
Stevens, Gdsm Teasdale (Skipper), Gdsm Turnbull and Gdsm
Zawiasa (GK). Each man was fully kitted out with our
new tasteful and appropriate strip, tour bags, shirts,
tracksuit bottoms and suitably attired we paraded at
1900hrs on the square bound for Heathrow. (We couldn’t
keep Mr Branson and Virgin waiting any longer). I and
WOII Douglas had issued before departure the usual
threats of violence if their conduct and behaviour was
not of the highest standard within the public domain and
imposed a series of fines on any man who failed to
comply. I think I paid the first fine, a language
error!! The Electronic Virgin Check in Desk was over
complicated for us Infanteers but eventually we
succeeded and we now had 2 hrs to kill. Having stalked
the departure lounge and jostled with thousands of
fellow travellers I bumped into LCpl Quist – Narteh
(Theo) who with great excitement proceeded to show and
tell me all about his latest acquisition, his newly
purchased Southern Hemisphere travel adapter. This I
quickly realised was nothing more than a normal 3 pin
240V UK adapter more suitable to his own place of work
and absolutely no use at all down under. The man from
Ghana looked rather disappointed, so I left him – well
done Theo!!
The flight out the first 12 hours was relatively
comfortable, watching films playing various games and
conversing with the very easy on the eye Virgin Air
Hostesses. It was also a good time to get the ‘nut’ down
and before we knew it we taxied into Hong Kong for a
short stop before pressing on to Sydney. On re-boarding
the aircraft there was clearly a noticeable change of
cabin crew – all male and to the disappointment of the
men this resulted in some pretty ‘limp wristed’ service.
This did not have the same kind of effect or attraction
although the Gdsm ‘North Mackem’ Pomfrey didn’t seem to
mind. The Hong Kong to Sydney 10 hour flight passed and
apart from some rather choice odours from the Coldstream
section of the plane (to keep the cabin staff on the
back foot) there was little to report.
21 Sept 08
We landed early hours that morning and were received by
my old friend Maj Darryl Kelly and Capt Pete
Simmons Adjt 17 CSS Bde who were our hosting unit.
Pleasantries exchanged we moved off via mini-bus to
Randwick Bks situated just off Sydney Central in the
suburb of Randwick for a security brief. This included a
few do’s and don'ts, places to avoid and all things that
we have only seen on documentaries that can – bite!! The
remainder of the day was spent settling into
accommodation, familiarising ourselves with the 50m
swimming pool, two football pitches, gym and sauna,
dining and bar facilities that were situated right
outside. Not bad for a transit camp!! The next day
brought a light training session in preparation for our
first fixture that was slipped under the radar on Tues
23rd, evening kick off at 1830hrs. Whilst training I
took the opportunity to slip off and touch base with the
COS 17 CSS (Col Cousins), the Med Centre,
Randwick Police Station and a small network of movers
and shakers who I thought could help during our stay. It
was my intention only to touch base as a courtesy call
but in true QM fashion and having left the building I
managed to secure a 22 seater coach with native driver
for two days. How generous and it was still only
mid-day, time for lunch I thought. The day was rounded
by a cultural visit to the ‘Rocks’ and Sydney Harbour,
this was our first sighting and everything you would
expect it to be.
23rd Sept 08
A late reveille and a further light training session
included work on defence, crossing and shooting skills
and two touch football. The temperature was up and
therefore a dip in the pool post training was a welcome
source of relaxation. We had been informed on arrival
that an extra game had been slipped under the radar.
This civi club some 40 minutes out in the Liverpool
district was a side claiming Division 3 status, what
ever that meant. What was immediately obvious was that
they had their own ground with club house and facilities
far superior to ours, meaning that we had nothing. I
couldn’t help think and having discussed it with the
‘Big Lad’ Dougie that we were being lined up for a good
drubbing just as we had crossed the line of departure.
Moorebank Sports and Soccer Club had just completed
their domestic season and finished top of their league
and their eagerness to get amongst us was clear to all.
Following pre-match rituals of gift exchanging and
having assessed the opposition we chose a one up front,
a five man midfield, two up bags of smoke formation. The
game kicked off at 1830hrs and 5 minutes in we realised
as usual they were full of ‘sporting wind’ and the Gdsm
were all over them like a ‘Fat Kid’ on ‘Cake’. We bagged
a brace to run out in front of a crowd of nine, 2
-1victors. It has to said but not knowing at the time
Moorebank proved to be our toughest opposition and I
would like to thank Chris Norman and the Club for
hosting us so well during our brief visit.
My initial thought was 1 - 0 to the Brits but I was
quickly reminded that the Families Warrant Officer had
secured our first victory the previous night having been
challenged to an arm wrestle by what they refer to as an
‘Islander’ – Fijian, Samoen, Kiwi’s etc, and this Guy
was built like two ‘Chunky’ MaGowens. Not to be swayed
Dougie was just not going to loose.
We arrived late back to Randwick and finished off with a
quick debrief. The team duly bedded down as we were off
to the Australian Defence Force Academy (ADFA) in
Canberra at 0830hrs the next morning.
24th Sept 08
As agreed and briefed our adopted native driver LCpl
Davies (Davo) arrived on time sporting a brand new
set of stylish wheels and we departed for Canberra the
nations Capital.
Our next opponents were the ADFA a Tri-Service Academy
and stacked with the countries finest leaders of men. In
many ways this equates to our Sandhurst and they enrol
on a 5 year course split between Education and the Royal
Military College. As you would expect we were received
in good fashion and very well hosted. Capt Aaron Bell
and a number of Cadets escorted us to the various messes
and accommodation and as we still had 6 hours to kill
before kick off I decided to visit their countries War
Memorial in Canberra. This is a superb free attraction
and well worth a look should you ever visit, clearly a
memorial to the Australian Armed Forces and their fallen
it covers every campaign to the present day; East Timor
and Afghanistan.
Having enjoyed an extremely interesting afternoon we
returned in good time to discuss our next tactical
approach to the game. Our first game went well against a
proven club and therefore the general mood was to stick
with the same format. These guys I know believe they are
better technically, physically and mentally and this was
very much part of my prelim speech in order to get the
men well and truly focussed. With the pre-match intro’s,
presentations and photo’s complete we were up for it. A
couple of minutes to kick off and their skipper
approached with caution and requested that we all adopt
a rolling substitution policy and as with Moorebank I
thought this must be an Aussie peculiarity and out of
politeness I agreed as this would also apply to us. (A
gonad dropped!!). The game kicked off at 1800hrs and
from the very first pipe of the Refs Whistle this was
going to be hard work. We matched every run, every
tackle and for the first 45 minutes kept them restrained
and penned to their own half and for soldiers who had
just spent the last 4 days travelling the universe they
were pushing 110%. 0 – 0 at half time but it had taken
its toll and they looked drained and I new that only
straight and direct talk and a promise to visit
McDonalds would see them through. We were 10 minutes
into the second 45 when we were awarded a free kick
somewhere on the half way line. Gdsm Newton with a right
boot of a ‘Pit Poney’ sized up the kick. It’s worth
mentioning that at half time it was discussed that if
they got the opportunity it should be launched straight
at the keeper as the pitch with time was becoming more
wet and greasy and we were looking for handling errors.
It worked, with the ball moving at 4000mph it spoiled
and like grease lightening and on rebound we slotted
into the net, 1 – 0 up. Three quarters in and we were
starting to feel the pace and they were fielding more
and more subs but from nowhere we scored a second only
for it to be disallowed by 3 Aussie officials who
produced instant written statements suggesting it was
“off side”. “Never” I murmured louder than a base drum
and what do Aussies know about the off side rule anyway.
It was at this stage I noticed more and more subs being
changed and shirted. For the next 20 minutes they rolled
more and more BCR’s at a ridiculous pace and our 5 & 20
checks were being less frequent and soon we were at 1 –
1.
With 2 minutes to push and I thought a draw would be a
fair result, a goal mouth scramble occurred and up pops
yer man ‘Mick the Crock Dundee’ and handballs the ball
clearer than ‘Candy on Bondi’ in to our net. The Gdsm
stood and looked for clarification from the man with
‘smirk and whistle’ and he remained motionless. We lost
2 – 1.
Post match ‘Barbie’ and presentations over their man in
Canberra admitted they’d rolled 22 players through 90
minutes and that with a ‘dodgy’ disallowed goal we
shouldn't feel too disappointed. The guys were gutted as
we hadn’t come all this way to loose in that manner. I
couldn’t fault them as they gave 110% against 2 teams
and 3 un-qualified match officials. I can take defeat
but in my view we didn’t loose that game we came second
and I dismissed it. The ADFA looked after us well and I
thank them for their hospitality during our stay. The
following morning we recovered back to Sydney via
Parliament House and this also proved to be an
interesting tour excursion.
We now had a number of days clear spanning a weekend and
a selection of visits to Sydney Central, Circular Keys,
Manley, the Harbour Bridge and the Opera House with the
mandatory ‘amber nectar’ ration was all inclusive. Bondi
and Googee Beach for further eye therapy were a delight
and the guys were spreading ‘Coldstream Gospel’and
making all manner of friends as you would only encourage
and expect. Incidentally some have now mastered the art
of traversing one’s nut a complete 360 with the body
fully anchored to the ground. Quite a useful discipline
when on Bondi!!
30th Sept 08
Our cultural and touristy weekend was over and I
received a call from our next opponents, ironically a
team from Victoria Bks. This I was informed was the
oldest barracks in Australia and boasted the longest,
continuous sandstone building in the Southern
Hemisphere. It was an impressive structure that had
clearly stood the test of time. It now houses
Australia’s Land Command with Training Command along
side. Our host was Capt Mike Smith and as before
we were well received. Prior to the game I noticed a
rather well drilled Rugby Union squad practicing a few
moves. This turned out to be the Wallaby’s and someone
had to approach and ask them to move on, it wasn’t going
to be me! As the game loomed my thoughts drifted and in
my view any team that fronts up calling themselves a
‘Dream Team’ cant be all that serious. Nevertheless
after our Canberra experience our defence was secure and
I was poised for the statement ‘rolling subs’. We were
not taking anything for granted.
The game kicked off at 1230hrs in order that the team
could play and spectate during the lunch period and soon
a small un-biased following gathered. We were faced with
30 degree heat but it has to be said that the opposition
could only be tagged with the term ‘mature’. We made
hard work of it for the best part until the ‘North
Mackem’ Humfrey Pomfrey unleashed the goal of the
tournament a 30 yarder right under ‘Ned Kelly’s’ nose.
This was one on ‘mess guests’ and I was greatful for the
stalemate being unlocked. This was not convincing but we
won 1 – 0, good enough. The post game ‘sausage barbie’
provided welcome beverages, the old ‘amber nectar’ again
and Mike who then suggested he could ring his brother –
a Sydney Police officer of great integrity who would be
more than happy to show the boys what Sydney could offer
in the form of entertainment. We already new and in fact
we were due to play the Sydney Police in a few days and
again I felt a suspicious undertone so I respectfully
declined the offer. We liked Capt Mike Smith and
all at Victoria Bks there hospitality was superb. The
next day brought a welcome break as the team was now
feeling the heat and we had picked up by now a number of
injuries. Another harbour crossing to Manly and an ideal
photo opportunity of the surrounding and obvious
landmarks resulted in a full day on the beach as I was
constantly reminded that on all accounts it was good for
the eye.
2nd Oct 08
Arrangements had been made for pick up at
0845hrs for our next and final assault.
 Two
games in one day, a round robin event saw us matched
against the NSW Police KO at 1000hrs. We were taxied out
to South Granville a suburb of Sydney and Malita Stadium
the home of that well known premiership side the
Parramatta Eagles. This at full capacity seated 9000
screaming fans but obviously on the day ticket sales had
not gone well and pre- match I counted 15 and 5 of those
were sat on my subs bench. The usual pleasantries were
exchanged, “Ow man wa not playing the bizzies are wa”, “
I divint like the rozzers like, wa gonna nack’em”. The
temperature was up in more ways than one and at 35
degrees the heat was on. The police were a formidable
side and clearly have their own mindset. They were drawn
from several thousand in Sydney, organised, disciplined
and surprisingly fit. However, Geordies rule and again
that man with Chinese tattoo on his belly who thought
for years it translated into ‘Chicken Curry and Chips’
and in fact actually reads ‘Tracy’ his wifes name, from
a corner forced the ball into the net. (He claims he
planned it!!). A number of incidents required the refs
attention as the law didn’t seem to matter to the police
at this moment in time. Even LSgt ‘Chicken’ Kama at 6’
5” tall was seen to go down in instalments. A futher 2
goals from Gdsm John Pontone and LCpl Theo ‘the adapter’
Quist – Narteh finished the game 3 – 1 to the good -
Lunch!
There was no lunch, so once again as any provider would
I purchased a well deserved team meal from the club
restaurant, at a discount of course. A good win had
taken its toll on both the squad and Arsene Wenger as I
was also beginning to warm up. We had a number of
injuries and no medic although Gdsm Zawiasa (Zav) did
his un-qualified best. It was hot and plenty of fluid
was required for in 90 minutes we were to play our final
game against the Sydney Fire Brigade (The Fireies). Our
final game was extremely important in terms of the
overall tour results and although wound up I and Dougie
could see they were spent. I felt the need for some
threatening behaviour and a stiff pre-match, selective
one line directional talk was the only way forward. Each
man would be awarded a QM’s ASBO if they failed to give
their all and I reminded them that I would accept
nothing less than a win.
We kicked off at 1400hrs and again the Fireies were a
proven side and all of our opposition had the full
benefit of having just completed their domestic season.
As planned we had to keep the ball moving and our
passing was one of our better attributes. We kept our
shape and as the time elapsed shirts and tempers were
fraying and as they do the Aussies were starting to put
it about. No danger as the troops responded in kind and
at 20 yards out Gdsm ‘I’ll get ya’, ‘jack snapper’,
angry man ‘T’ Teasdale the skipper launched one past a
fully stretched surf boarding keeper to take us 1 – 0
up. We were now subbing faster than Newcastle Managers
and there was a number of casualties lined up for the
‘jack wagon’. The RCWO or OSK (Over Sized Koala) as he’s
now known collapsed as only a chef would complaining his
leg was hurting, “ which one” was asked, “both” he
replied – and it’s a first for seeing a Koala being
dragged off a pitch! Handbags and selected phrases
common to both nationalities were now being exchanged
although I do believe they failed to understand complete
‘geordie’. A slippery pass put yer man Pontone on the
ball for our second and we secured our final victory 2 –
1.
Less the Canberra ‘wipe of the eye’ we notched up 4 wins
out of 5 and considering the level of opposition and
that we were a relatively untested team I was more than
content with our effort. With job done myself and the
Southern Hemisphere Arm Wrestling Champion could now
relax and as I was pulled to one side and distracted by
‘Chicken’ who had a look of concern I didn’t see the
full dustbin of iced water being raised from behind
above my head. Thanks guys!!
We were feeling at this stage that we’d achieved a great
deal. A hot debrief back at Randwick set us up for a
well earned weekend of social activity around the ‘toon’.
We were due to fly back on 6th Oct. Our weekend started
well with a ‘barbie’ hosted by Maj and Mrs Kelly
for whom we will be eternally grateful. Darryl had done
a huge amount in support of the tour and we couldn’t
thank him enough. On Friday I took the opportunity to
visit HQ 17 CSS Bde with the complete team to
present a number of gifts as a token of our
appreciation. I’d hoped that we hadn’t been too much of
a burden and again our thanks goes to that unit for all
they did to make our stay an enjoyable experience.
Sadly the tour had now come to an end and this is not
something you do very often and I had a sense of
satisfaction for the whole team. We had worked flat out
before and during the trip and it appeared to be
everything that we expected and more. But of course
these things don’t happen easily and there are a number
of organisations and individuals who require our sincere
thanks and in no particular order, Col Harris and
Mary Jane of the Army Sports Lottery for the
generous funding and guidance, The Berlin Infantry
Brigade memorial Trust Fund again for their welcome
funds, Maj Chapple of the LONDIST Sports Board
for funding, Maj Darryl Kelly Australian Army
for the many out of hours phone calls made, to WOII
‘Dougie’ Douglas for your assistance before, during and
after, to our very own Regimental Trustees who
provided the bulk funds for the good and benefit of the
Gdsm, I and they appreciate your generous support, to
our very own Regimental Headquarters, the Regt
Lt Col Brigadier Bourne – May, the Regt Adjt
Maj Croften and the Asst Regt Adjt Capt
Matthews (keep the cheques coming Billy!) for
lending your support, and finally to our present
Commanding Officer Colonlel Gray who was the
first to support the venture, provided the window of
opportunity and adamant to see it through. To anyone
else out there I thank you for your support and if I’ve
failed to mention you I’m sure you’ll bring it to my
attention.
My final comment has to be for the 20 Gdsm who were
lucky enough to go on tour. Many congratulations to
Gdsm Turnbull on being voted the man of the tournament,
it was well deserved. The level of football is now at a
high with 4 wins out of 5 against strong opposition we
now need to maintain it. I know you all had a great time
and experience and I would hope many fond memories. In
my view you conducted yourselves in true Coldstream
fashion, a credit to the Regiment, the Army and
yourselves and all on the Australian side were extremely
complimentary. I would only ask that you apply the same
to the forthcoming season.
It was a long time coming, a great and memorable
experience and something I would recommend to any one
who has the urge to take 20 soldiers down under and
thrash them in ‘their own back yard’…………
IT WASN’T SO AMBITIOUS AFTER ALL!!
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